So, before I begin I should preface this post with...... I don't actually expect anyone to read this. This is my one year experiment to live my life with purpose, grace, and love. It is my journal, my diary, my therapy.... I suppose. My desire is to chronicle my journey with God. I want to give my whole life to Him for one year and see if my life changes. I'm well aware I sound like a whining child..."if I don't get what I want then I'm out!" Not at all...I am in this with him for the rest of my days. However, a Pastor I initially heard speak at my first church said something that really resonated with me. He said, "Give us one year of your life, one year of everything you've got and I promise you will see your life change." He meant to the church at the time....but I got to thinking lately....what if that's the difference? I've been trying, and complaining, and slipping back into this selfish, angry, sad, and selfish person. And if I'm really honest with myself.... I haven't given my life completely to God. So why a blog? Because I want to be accountable... It will be anonymous...I won't hold back.... and I feel like there is some healing in telling my story...even if it is just out into the universe and no one ever reads this.... I will know, and He will know. If your eyes do cross this page... I pray you read my words with a kind spirit and maybe find comfort in my journey.
I'll begin at the start of my journey with knowing God. Approximately two years ago, I was introduced to a relationship with God. I was searching, for something... I'm not really sure for what but I knew I was missing something in my life. I didn't want to feel alone anymore. Technically I think the prick of interest in a relationship with God began with an "ex-boyfriend" (I wouldn't actually classify it as that but hey... you get the idea). I was living on my own and was very depressed and sad. I felt like my life had no purpose. What a great time to start dating a new man you say??? ha! well that's exactly what I did! I met my now husband on an internet dating site and thus began a very tumoltious and toxic relationship. Of course right?... of course it started out toxic.... I was trying to replace a relationship with Christ, and that hole and void was still unfulfilled. More on my marriage in a bit, I'll get back to that.....
I remember at that time scrolling on Instagram and coming across a picture of a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We used to work together and she was always so kind to me, she was a really good friend and we just lost touch, as people do. I knew at the time we were friends that she was Christian but we never talked about it much and I never really gave it much thought. Fast forward a few years and her picture came up on my insta feed. I believe she was with some church friends in the picture...and of course I took the liberty to immediately "Instagram creep". Picture after picture all these people looked so happy! I mean legitimately genuinely happy! Now I know what you're going to say.... Everybody's life looks perfect on Instagram and facebook. And yes I get it, I agree.... but there was just something different about this.... it was like I could almost touch the joy that was radiating from the screen. THAT! THAT IS WHAT I WANT! JOY!....how do I get that? How do I have peace and joy in my life...consistent joy. I know there will still be pain, sadness, suffering. But I want that joy deep in my spirit that tells me no matter what. God has me. All the time.
So I began listening to sermons at night....in secret. I didn't want my then boyfriend thinking I had become some weird religious nut. After a few weeks of going to sleep with earbuds in my ears he finally said to me one night....what are you listening to? Crap! This was it, he's going to think I'm a weirdo. BUT I did tell him, I was honest... I was listening to a sermon. His response....."oh can I hear it?" Seriously?....amazing! I felt relieved and a bit excited that he was open enough to listen in. So we did that for a while, listened to sermons at night. I wanted more though... I wanted to go to church..... but not just any church, the church I saw all those people going to on Instagram. Why? Because they looked like me! I know that sounds awful but let me explain.... There is this "idea" that some of these "young/hip" churches purposely market to youth/young people to make church seem "cool". First off... why is that bad? Church SHOULD be seen as something cool. Personally a huge reason I stopped going to church as a young girl was because I couldn't relate to it. Church made me feel like I couldn't care about fashion, or make up, or listen to the music I wanted. Like I had to strip all material things away in order to be loved by God. These people didn't do that... they wore what they wanted, had tattoos they wanted, coloured their hair purple if they wanted....and surprise surprise... they were and are some of the most Christ loving pure examples of love I have ever met.
So....off to church we went. I was really nervous. I can honestly say if I hadn't met my husband I would not have stepped foot in a church by myself. I don't know why I was so nervous, I guess I just didn't know what to expect. So we went to church, and I tried.... I TRIED! So hard, and yet I seemed to be in this viscious cycle with my husband, and myself. The damage we have done to ourselves and each other since we have met is insane. But I truly believe we are supposed to be together. Through it all I keep hearing Gods voice nudge my heart.... keep going, don't give up. But still nothing was truly changing..... we are still two extremely hurtful and broken people.
I remember one day driving in my car thinking about God's love. I kept hearing that God loves me and once you feel God's love your heart changes. The thing was, every time I would let my guard down enough to slightly feel any kind of love from God I would clam up and I just couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable like that. I didn't think I deserved His love. And I don't, no one does.... but he does love me none the less. I knew in my heart I needed to let God love me if I wanted to change but I was just so terrified like almost physically. Have you ever found yourself dictating to God how things will go? I do that... a lot. It's ridiculous, and I know. So I had this vision in my mind that one day "when I'm ready" I would have this big moment in church, break down crying, someone would pray for me and I would finally give my life to Jesus. It was all very romantic.
Fast forward three years to my bathroom floor. My now husband and I had one of our nastiest arguments yet. I mean everything... threats, name calling, swearing. just awful. I locked myself in the bathroom and was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing. I mean like full convulsions sobbing. I began to talk to God, out loud. "I can't take this anymore, I can't do this, I cant live like this, please please help me". I was begging now. Begging for him to touch my heart. And he did.... It felt like my heart broke open and all this light flooded in. I could almost feel the warmth of his love surround my body. I had allowed myself to get through the thought of pain and just accept His love. That was around mid November. I'll be honest, not much has changed in my marriage....but my relationship with Jesus is just beginning. He put it on my heart to begin this blog. I have no idea why....if maybe it's just meant to be my therapy. But after two months of procrastinating and questioning weather I really heard from Him.... I'm ready to follow Him.
And so begins my journey. I plan on reading and studying my bible, writing one blog post per week and really committing myself to going to church and connecting with people there. Most of my heartache and struggle is directly linked to my marriage so this is what I will be focusing on. I am ready to look inwards at myself to fix my marriage. I have prayed for to long for God to change my husband. I know it begins with me... I will continue to pray that he opens my husbands heart and guides him, but I honestly desire for him to change me first.
So here is my journey.... one year to Him.
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